I don’t know about you, but oftentimes, I find myself feeling inadequate, inferior, unfit – for my life and my calling. I’m really good at comparing myself to others and in my mind, I always come up short. The last few days I’ve felt that way. I’m sure it’s needless, but still, that’s how I’ve felt. I am really good at fluctuating between, “I love my life! I’m good at my job!” – to, “Someone else could totally do this better and I’m sure everyone else is thinking the same thing.”
So, last night, realizing I was stuck in this pit, I started to pray. When I finally allowed myself to be still and listen, I heard God say, “You remind me of Peter.” Peter, the brazen, loud, obnoxious fisherman with no education. The man who fluctuated from wanting to die with Jesus to denying he even knew Him, within a matter of hours. The man upon whom God would build His church, regardless of flaws, a loud mouth, and a rash personality. I wonder how many times Peter felt inferior, insufficient, not good enough? Especially after denying Christ three times. I wonder if Peter ever compared himself to the other disciples. John, the one Jesus loved. Matthew, the eloquent tax collector. Or even Paul – wow, what an apostle HE was! All of a sudden last night, Peter became someone I could definitely relate to.
I felt prompted to open my Bible to 1 Peter. I ended up reading the entire book. And I started re-reading it again this morning. The part that stuck out to me most says, in NLT, “And remember that the heavenly Father to whom you pray has no favorites when he judges. He will judge or reward you according to what you do. So you must live in reverent fear of him during your time as foreigners here on earth.” -1Peter 1:17
No favorites. He’s not up there comparing my work to the next missionary woman saying, “Well, Lisa’s OKAY, but she would much better if she did it like her.” He’s not going to judge me in comparison to others. He’s going to judge me… for me. For what I did with my talents, my time, my job, my life. Not in comparison to how SHE did HER job. He’s only worried about how I do mine.
He called me to be a teacher even though I don’t have my bachelor’s and I’ve never done this before. He called me to live in South America even though my immune system isn’t very good and traveling makes me nauseous. He is calling me to be a mom even though I can’t make their clothes myself and I really couldn’t care less if I make bread or if I buy it. He’s called me to be a wife even though I have no patience and have yet to be known as a “Susie Homemaker.”
I told a good friend once that I felt unqualified for my job and she, as a veteran teacher, told me that in all her years of teaching, she’s come to realize that the only prerequisite for a really good teacher is to sincerely love your students. That, of all things, I do. I feel like they’re MY kids so I want them to succeed as if they’re my own. I rejoice in their triumphs as if they were my own children and had just accomplished something HUGE on their own. I love these kids. I can’t imagine leaving them to another teacher, no matter how qualified they might be.
God has no favorites. God doesn’t compare. He just wants me to be me and you to be you.
**Sidenote: First Baby MK of the year was born (finally!) at 3am! My friend that began labor last week finally had her little girl. What’s hilarious is they told her in January it was a boy and then in March that it was “inconclusive” if it was a boy or a girl. Well, that’s because she’s definitely a little girl! Can’t wait to meet her when they come home in about a week. Next MK due: July!**