So, apparently we’re experiencing some form of “El Niño” here in Peru because this weather is so not winter-like! I’d complain, but considering our furlough lands this December and we wouldn’t see warm weather again until next summer if we were really in “winter”, I’m okay with all this sun! It is awfully strange, though, to be the end of July and feeling like spring outside! Better stop talking before I jynx it…
Gratitude today comes in a few different forms:
- …new friends
- …email encouragement
- …surprisingly good news
- …a spontaneous “I love you” (or a form thereof) from the toddler
- …kicks and jabs from the new one
- …hugs from the husband
- …sun first thing in the morning
- …decaf coffee
Got to see my little peanut last Friday. I’ve been trying to figure out how she’s positioned for awhile now since sometimes I feel her so high and other times so low. We found out she’s sitting perfectly upright in my uterus, so the jabs up high are arms and the kicks down low are feet. The problem, though, is that all of her little weight is sitting on my scar and weaker muscles from my c-section. She’s not spread out – at all – and has apparently been that way for awhile… and doesn’t look like she has any intention of moving any time soon. This has resulted in quite a bit of pain and I’m not allowed to lift Elena for a week to see if muscles can somewhat heal.
During my first few appointments of this pregnancy, my doctor assured me I could at least try for a natural delivery. She saw absolutely no reason why not. But then on Friday, she dropped a rather nonchalant bomb, saying that “of course” I would be having a c-section; that I “had no other option.” To keep from crying right there in her office, I think my mind just shut down. I didn’t understand anything more she told me that day and Brian had to answer all the rest of her questions.
I almost made it to the car before losing it. Almost. I wish I could say it was the dignified cry of an almost 30 year old woman. I can’t. It was the nasty cry of a 5 year old child. I just lost it. Of all the things in this world that scare me and make me nervous, having another c-section tops the list by far. The last one traumatized me enough that I had counseling when we got back to the States. I couldn’t talk about it for months afterwards and it took me just as long to heal physically. It was a horrible, awful, no good, very bad experience that I have no desire to duplicate. I would pay good money to go through the pain of natural labor with absolutely no medication just to avoid another c-section.
But, I guess even that is not an option.
I couldn’t compose myself last week to ask questions. But, at my next appointment, I plan to hound her and make absolutely sure this is my only option. If there’s any way to avoid this, I’m going to find it.
At the same time, though, Brian was so gentle in reminding me of a few things:
- It’s better to know in advance than to find out a week before (or the day of).
- It’s better to plan for a c-section than get halfway through labor and need another emergency c.
- We’re using a different – better – clinic with better care, so I shouldn’t have the same problems with the epidural.
- If it’s not an emergency, there should be no reason why Brian can’t come with me this time so I won’t be alone.
- If I know what to expect, I can be more mentally prepared and hopefully even the recovery will be shorter.
- New Baby M. will have the cute, little round head Elena has instead of a cone-shaped one (haha).
- If this is God’s best for me and the baby, then there’s a reason for it and He knows what He’s doing.
- I will survive.
He’s right. I know he’s right. In my head. In my heart, I’m still petrified. I’m working on giving my fear to the Lord because I just don’t want it. But, let me just say here, it’s hard. So hard. Not impossible. Just hard.