No one ever thinks it’ll happen to them, their family. I was in this same boat three hours ago. I have a good, solid Christian family – immediate and extended on both sides. By God’s amazing grace, my grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, and cousins’ kids are almost all believers in Jesus Christ.
Which makes the word “suicide” that much more devastating.
When I got the call a few hours ago that my cousin’s boy had committed suicide on the way to school this morning, I had no words. I mean, what do you say? I burst into tears. I don’t know him – I met him when he was a baby and he’s 16 now. But, I know my cousin. And I’m a mom. Those are bonds that time and distance can’t touch.
I hung up the phone, tears streaming down my face, and reached for my 4yr old. I wrapped him in my arms and let my tears soak his blond head. He’s such a gentle boy, he didn’t mind. He held me back and let me cry, not saying anything. I held his face and kept repeating, “You are loved. You are special. God has a plan for you. You are loved! You are special! God has a plan for you!” over and over. What else can I do?
I snuggled my baby in my arms as I laid his wriggling little body down for a nap. He kissed me and I savored the moment longer than I usually do… because all of a sudden, moments are too short and the only image in my mind is my cousin’s arms, devoid of her son’s touch.
You aren’t meant to lose a child. Ever. But especially not like this.
A knot sits in the pit of my stomach. I can’t stop crying. I have been trying to continue with my routine, but I can’t. So, I did what I always do when looking for consolation: I grabbed my Bible.
Not the new one that’s still being “broken in.” The old one. The one that’s been everywhere with me and been through everything with me – except this. The one that’s marked, bent, stuffed with papers, and written all over. I held it to me like an old friend and begged God to speak again because I need something to hold onto besides grief.
Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy!
I look to you for protection.
I will hide beneath the shadow of your wings
until this violent storm is past.
I cry out to God Most High,
to God who will fulfill his purpose for me.
He will send help from heaven to save me,
rescuing me from those who are out to get me.
My God will send forth his unfailing love and faithfulness.
These words from Psalm 57 hold comfort right now. Being able to hide under God’s wings – His love and protection no matter what is going on. This is truly a violent storm like nothing I’ve experienced before. What do you do? What do you say? How do you process something like this?
I have nothing to offer. My hands, my heart, are empty. Right now, I’m just so thankful that my first instinct was to run to God and His Words because in them are life, hope, and our very breath.
God is still God; He has not forgotten us, this does not surprise Him, and He still loves us. It won’t ever make sense. The pain will never get all better. But, we are not abandoned.
There is no situation we can encounter where God’s grace cannot reign down and cover it all. May He truly send forth love, faithfulness, and grace to our family in the coming days.